Head Stands & Head Space

When you begin your year with a goal of achieving a headstand, but life has other plans for you... and surviving the year without dedicating your life to cancer (treatment) becomes the new goal, you kinda wish you'd done more headstand practice!

These past few days/week is probably the least I have looked after myself... at a time when it's going to be paramount to pay attention and put the effort in to my health and well being.

HG and I discovered a lump... so on Saturday 7th July, after being unable to get an appointment with my doctor Thursday or Friday, I went to a walk-in clinic on and was referred for tests at the hospital.

It's barely been a month (Friday 13th July) since I had a Mammogram (ouch) & Ultrasound. They squeezed in a Biopsy of the lump at the same time, so things were sped up slightly, but the 6 day wait still felt like a decade.

HG fell apart that night... he was sure it was Cancer, as they'd done a biopsy too, but I didn't feel emotional just yet and didn't want to panic until we knew for sure. Luckily he had already dealt, mentally, to a degree, and could catch me as I fell apart after speaking to my doctor after work on Thursday 19th July.

I had Ductal Carcinoma. Never do you learn so much about something so fast than when you receive a diagnosis. These things happen to 'other people', including my Mum, 3yrs ago... everyone knows someone who has had cancer - many being breast cancer - and most these days are survivors.

We can't assume things won't happen to us - I feel lucky that as shit as this is, it could be so much fucking worse. Two amazing women I was friends with in UK have died of cancer this year, too soon - so unfair.

It totally sucks.

Anyway, here we are and it'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since my lumpectomy (2nd Aug). The surgeon also removed 3 lymph nodes but both he and my own Dr are away this week, helpfully, so I haven't received the results.

I have an appointment next Wednesday (a week today) with the Cancer Centre - more tests to figure out the right treatment to suit my cancer. I have been told I'll be having chemotherapy, radiotherapy & will be on hormone treatment pills for a few years I suspect. I found some fellow peeps on Instagram who are lifting weights, being healthy etc. a couple of years after their treatment so fingers crossed that this journey doesn't take too much away from me/my lifestyle for too long.

A definite up-side is the increased contact with soooo many lovely friends & family. Random friends from the past have been sending me packages, I get messages checking on me everyday and I am overwhelmed by the love.

Oh yes and I also saw a genetic counsellor and will find out in the next couple of months whether I have a genetic disposition to breast/cancer.  If so, new boobs may be in order!

I have to say how AMAZING my wonderful HG has been - picking up the slack all over - he's sleeping well! :P I honestly couldn't ask for a better partner to go through this with - a friend even said the same.My Mum & 3 teenage cousins landed 3 days after the operation. So things have been hectic, but I've squeezed in a few days of rest & plenty of fun.
I cry most days. So much goes around my head. I'm awake in the early hours.
Also, I can only handle not working my muscles for so long. I think some squats, lunges and maybe some gentle yoga are coming up.

I was just getting into movement, swinging from branches & monkey bars :D but that stuff will have to wait for meow.

I've started meditation using the Headspace application - so nice!

I started eating according to Keto (ketosis), following my diagnosis, but after surgery and during famjam visits, have let my discipline slide. Back on it next week!Thanks fer reading. It's partly to get it outta my head.
Hope it's not too boring!

Big Love xXx

A Journey of Friendships and Loves

I miss my friends. My school/old friends with whom I can mess about, say what I want and always have fun, every time we get together.

It's taken me a while but I'm starting to meet people here in Canada with whom I can feel comfortable (enough to be my wacky self). Gradually enough time passes; I've been working at the casino as a bartender/server for one year today and I have been integrated into the 'work family'; with many I am past the basic facts/getting to know you stage and with other I don't care too much. I am super friendly and encouraging though and they seem to enjoy/appreciate having me around. One Asian server colleague calls me "Mrs Happy".

My school friends appear to acknowledge my existence about once every 3 months... for my "best" friend, I was disowned for about a year after we left England. Cheers bud. I'm not sure things will be the same again, but I do miss him & his hubby and their home which became my/our sanctuary. My oldest/historical best friend (since 7yrs old) emails me occasionally but hasn't ever been amazing at communication though we still love each other dearly and won't shut up nattering while we're together.

Terrible photo! 27th May 2000 (my 19th birthday) :0) 

Other, scattered friends are treasured for sure. I wish I could gather everyone I love spending time with and have them in one place!

The history, memories, fun times and experiences we have with people can't be sped up... interactions happen at their own speed. I sometimes wonder if my "best friends" are just my oldest friends; through a history of many shared moments. Or maybe there are categories of "best friends"... anyway who gives a shit? :-D

Due to not having children, HG and I inevitably end up hanging out with younger peeps; usually in their 20s. However, we have spent time recently with peeps in their 30s/40s who either don't want 'kids' or don't want them yet. It's been really refreshing to hang out with others who understand and respect our way of thinking and choice of lifestyle. The good thing also, with the service industry, is that workers often enjoy a good lay-in and get it, rather than seeing us as lazy for staying in bed until 12pm, despite going to bed between 3-5am (combo of work and choice).

I can't help feeling that, despite my old group of friends now reuniting themselves more frequently, my feelings towards them have changed. When/if we do ever live closer again, what will our relationship(s) be like? Being away means new phases in friendships etc. I have found people communicating via messaging aps/services, whom I maybe didn't chat so much to while we were in UK. Others, as I mentioned, have drifted off - nobody's fault; some people need to see me in person and others are better with phone calls (which are less than simple with phone cards, skype, time differences/costs... altho seriously, no excuses. Come On!).

Feck I'm boring myself so I'll be off!

Here's a pic of our handsome fur baby and one of our delicious whip!

Can't get enough of either of them!!

My Personal Collection of Various Somethings

I will be 34 years old in just over a week. I am proud to be the age I am. I feel lucky each and every day.

I am lucky to have found a partner who not only appreciates, agrees and believes in me and my values, but he supports, encourages and even preaches our shared visions. Our lives revolve around our religious beliefs that Fun is the God of Happiness. And Love too I guess :-P One decision that makes our lives so uncomplicated is remaining child-free.
Having spoken to a colleague/new friend today, I was reminded that things can get much more stressful way before children even enter the world. Just the conception of conception can complicate circumstances!

This evening I have been looking through the items of jewelry I brought with me here to Canada. I tried to only bring with me things that I actually like/wear (let's be honest, we have all received items/garments that we just don't feel right wearing). Thirty Four Years - well I probably started gathering them from about 16yrs onwards, so - 20 years of acquired knicknacks... nothing that would've cost a lot, or mean too much to anyone else. But I want to capture the reminiscent journeys that I found (find) myself on with each memory. I know I won't always have these. I don't too much care about who reads this - at present I am keeping it from most who know me - it's more for my own record. At least this post is.

The great thing about jewelry is that it's small so it doesn't take up too much space :-D

I'm heading home (to England) in 3 days time, for a swift visit and a wedding, and was gathering jewelry to take with me. Literally a memory with every item.