Falling Up Hill

I'm not one for wishing my life away.

Chemo #1 was a week ago (tomorrow). Yesterday and today are Tom's days off. It was so nice to have him in bed with me & around after 4 days of him having to work. I cried, scared for our sex life... it's such a huge connecting part of us - brings us back together whenever we're off kilter and after 12yrs, it's still amazing. Sorry - TMI. WTF. IDGaS. My blog. 😝

There are so many ins and outs with cancer/chemotherapthy. It's invasive and intrusive.

Knocks you off guard and tests every part of you - no matter how deep.
I'm sure I have not even begun to experience how testing it it going to be for the next few months.

Cancer itself is... whatever - it is our own body performing, growing cells, as it believes it should.
But it doesn't know the cells are attacking our own life source. It's a head fuck.

Chemotherapy (and to follow, radiation & hormone treatment) is the method of treatment that humans/science have found which best treats our cells. By killing fast growing cells, they eliminate the cancer, but also any good cells.  Different drugs cause various symptoms and side effects.  The anti-sickness drugs create other side effects. Which aren't fun, but certainly beat puking until dehydration.

 

I keep realising that... I won't need my hair bands/ties/clips... these thing seem small and silly.

It's more the growing back part of the hair loss that may bug me. My friend had breast cancer/chemo 2 years ago and messaged me this morning with a photo of her cute bob, growing back beautifully.
I'm otherwise semi-excited about losing hair from other parts of my body! 😜



Speaking of which, I haven't managed to find any explicit details on sex during chemo. Because I have been technically pumped with poison, my fluids are potentially dangerous (queue lots of loo cleaning) and also, due to my "compromised immune system", I must also practice being more of a germophobe.

So condoms are a requirement, but it's the oral/foreplay/relaxed nature of our love that we will need to tweak. 


Ever feel like you're living someone else's life?

In other news, we are LOVING autumn/fall! 🍁

   

  

 

Chemo? Sweet...

I checked out the chemo suite today... it's two rooms, adjoining and there's a calm atmosphere. It's at the top of the hospital which gives a lovely view of roofs & trees. 🌲

I was there to have my portacath re-dressed. It was implanted (under my skin on left side, below collar bone) on 25th September; 8 days ago under local anesthetic and I was excited(?) to get to see it! All healing well, chemo will commence in 6 days time!

A portacath is a round device with a valve, attached to a line/catheter that is threaded into a vein and goes down into the heart. It can be used to give IV fluids, blood transfusions, chemotherapy & other drugs; it can also be used to take blood. It can stay in as long as is needed (must be used or flushed monthly).

I met the 3 Oncology Nurses and they happily answered my questions. Every single one of the workers - Volunteers, Nurses, Doctors etc etc. have been totally lovely actually. 💖

I learnt that I am currently "Chemo Niave", or as I like to say, a Chemo Virgin 😜, as my blood is still pure (lol) and hasn't yet been affected by chemotherapy (or as I like to call it, poison).

So here's my port after insertion and today... 

  

At the weekend, I joined a 5km walk called Race for the Cure; raising awareness & money for breast cancer etc. I knew I'd be with HG, Dad & his lady but wasn't aware 3 of their friends would be joining and then, once walking, was handed a phone to speak to Dad's Lady's son, daughter & their partners & pup - who were also walking in their town, Winnipeg!! Wowzer. Such love & support!

Here is my crew, warming up!!

  

Here is my boi & me on a delicious rainy walk. 💚
  

 

I'm feeling good - as good as I can be, with chemo approaching.

I was invited for a run this evening... I do feel like I need to do something before Tuesday, but don't want to disrupt the port either. I plan to get outside before every chemo treatment and be as active as I can during. Fingers crossed! ✌👍👌

Take care peeps xx

PS I couldn't wash my hair after the port op so I eventually went to the hairdresser... whilst there, I she gave me an undercut & snipped off 4 inches! :)

I've attended a Chemo Class and also a Look Good, Feel Better workshop.
So lucky!

 

 

 

  

Head Stands & Head Space

When you begin your year with a goal of achieving a headstand, but life has other plans for you... and surviving the year without dedicating your life to cancer (treatment) becomes the new goal, you kinda wish you'd done more headstand practice!

These past few days/week is probably the least I have looked after myself... at a time when it's going to be paramount to pay attention and put the effort in to my health and well being.

HG and I discovered a lump... so on Saturday 7th July, after being unable to get an appointment with my doctor Thursday or Friday, I went to a walk-in clinic on and was referred for tests at the hospital.

It's barely been a month (Friday 13th July) since I had a Mammogram (ouch) & Ultrasound. They squeezed in a Biopsy of the lump at the same time, so things were sped up slightly, but the 6 day wait still felt like a decade.

HG fell apart that night... he was sure it was Cancer, as they'd done a biopsy too, but I didn't feel emotional just yet and didn't want to panic until we knew for sure. Luckily he had already dealt, mentally, to a degree, and could catch me as I fell apart after speaking to my doctor after work on Thursday 19th July.

I had Ductal Carcinoma. Never do you learn so much about something so fast than when you receive a diagnosis. These things happen to 'other people', including my Mum, 3yrs ago... everyone knows someone who has had cancer - many being breast cancer - and most these days are survivors.

We can't assume things won't happen to us - I feel lucky that as shit as this is, it could be so much fucking worse. Two amazing women I was friends with in UK have died of cancer this year, too soon - so unfair.

It totally sucks.

Anyway, here we are and it'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since my lumpectomy (2nd Aug). The surgeon also removed 3 lymph nodes but both he and my own Dr are away this week, helpfully, so I haven't received the results.

I have an appointment next Wednesday (a week today) with the Cancer Centre - more tests to figure out the right treatment to suit my cancer. I have been told I'll be having chemotherapy, radiotherapy & will be on hormone treatment pills for a few years I suspect. I found some fellow peeps on Instagram who are lifting weights, being healthy etc. a couple of years after their treatment so fingers crossed that this journey doesn't take too much away from me/my lifestyle for too long.

A definite up-side is the increased contact with soooo many lovely friends & family. Random friends from the past have been sending me packages, I get messages checking on me everyday and I am overwhelmed by the love.

Oh yes and I also saw a genetic counsellor and will find out in the next couple of months whether I have a genetic disposition to breast/cancer.  If so, new boobs may be in order!

I have to say how AMAZING my wonderful HG has been - picking up the slack all over - he's sleeping well! :P I honestly couldn't ask for a better partner to go through this with - a friend even said the same.My Mum & 3 teenage cousins landed 3 days after the operation. So things have been hectic, but I've squeezed in a few days of rest & plenty of fun.
I cry most days. So much goes around my head. I'm awake in the early hours.
Also, I can only handle not working my muscles for so long. I think some squats, lunges and maybe some gentle yoga are coming up.

I was just getting into movement, swinging from branches & monkey bars :D but that stuff will have to wait for meow.

I've started meditation using the Headspace application - so nice!

I started eating according to Keto (ketosis), following my diagnosis, but after surgery and during famjam visits, have let my discipline slide. Back on it next week!Thanks fer reading. It's partly to get it outta my head.
Hope it's not too boring!

Big Love xXx

Who Where What Am I? Absorbing...

Rediscover....

The original purpose of my blog was, as the title suggests, was to write about what I'm learning.

I had definitely lost sight of any direction - story of my life!

We're all on a journey... some have more certainty about where they want to or are headed.

I drift along. I meet people and absorb them - taking good, bad and naughty as I go. I am bad at saying no. I go with the flow.

This year has been a bumble of fitness activity...
I firstly achieved my goal of actively doing a yoga class (online) every day for 30 days. This became a chore at times (i.e. after a 13hr work day), but I still loved every moment 'on the mat'. I have still been doing yoga each week, but not every day. (www.yogawithadriene.com)
Oh, I also explored veganism, but as with my ADD life, continued to go with the flow and eat a healthy balance of what's readily available in my world (i.e work, HG), but a little more conscientiously.

I then found a 4wk eating plan by Betty Rocker, for $40 instead of $100... I have cooked a few things from the first week, but need to download week 2-4 :P (This was Feb, it's now April.)

A girl I follow on Instagram, who I loveeeee - talks about making sex and self loving much less taboo. (I think I need to write a sex/erotica blog... hmmmm!). Anyway, this cool chick was giving away her sexual self love online course/programme for free. So I signed up for that - AND a chat group for yoga lovers, with Adriene. (I haven't participated either - just received thousands of emailssss gah.)

At around the same time, a friend I'd recently started chatting to more (Scottish but lives back in Anglias), had recommended another online option - www.dailyom.com.

I signed up (option of paying $10, $20 or $30) and have been doing the 20 day challenge - Fit & Fierce over 40 (although I'm not 40 for 3yrs). I'm on Day 16 and I started it about 3 weeks ago :D I do it here and there. I was trying to do consecutive days - and will try again this week - but there is also a page of reading to do each day, so I like to make time for it. She (Sadi Nardini) follows a daily topic, with a quick inspiration video, a recipe and a written self-reflection/development exercise, as well as the 20min work out - during which, she uses the same few warm-ups & cool downs repeated, with a fresh snippit in the middle - they are nice little workouts. Kinda intensive yoga :) It's a pretty good deal.

So all others fell to the wayside and this latter is the one I've been doing. It's always helpful to ask questions/figure/be aware of whats going on with oneself.

Also this year, I have been discovering, befriending and learning from some other women on Instagram (definitely my favourite app - photos are still my favourite). The most recent, are a beautiful group who support and encourage each other. I have a couple of (newish) irl friends, who see and take guidance from a naturopath. 

I have heard and read mention of Mercury being in Retrograde... I skimmed over it all a few time, then looked into it. I am trying to pay attention to interactions etc.
Because Mercury is the planet situated closest to the Sun, its orbit is much shorter than Earth’s. About three or four times a year, Mercury speeds past Earth, and that is when we experience a Mercury retrograde period. If you were in a car and another car passed you, you could tell it was going faster than you. But if it slowed down and you then passed it, it would appear that that car was actually going backward. Then when the other car speeds up and passes you again, it kicks up all of the dust in the road. As Mercury speeds by, it is like a train flying past, creating a powerful, turbulent gust of “wind” in its wake. The turbulence and disruption Mercury creates when it retrogrades can affect what we feel on Earth in our everyday lives.
https://www.astrologyzone.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-mercury-retrograde/

These ladies, who love being outside in nature, adore and show gratitude to mother earth - appreciate this planet.
The girl I have known first/most is also re-approaching her Zero Waste journey. I have so so so so much time for people making the effort to start to save this beautiful planet and it's creatures.


Tangent:
I suppose my most loved topics (on IG) are Zero Waste, Childfree, Travel - seeing people's views of the world and then there's my kinky, wild, sexual side (which used to have it's own account, but now gets mostly suppressed or embraced through other avenues).
These peeps are also users/believers in crystals - linked with energy; combined with tarot(?) cards, candles etc. - I still am unsure but very interested in learning (not so much about cards). People were putting out their washed crystals out for the full moon to renew and cleanse the energy. Fascinating.

This is a long enough ramble and I finally hit my original point.

Lots to learn. I'm also reading about alignment (of the human body) - I am definitely interested in ways to help me grow old whilst staying strong. If I die sooner, that's cool, but I intend to do what I can to avoid being in pain.

Oh also, I have been attending a triathlon group and have registered for my first race this summer!!

I'll be swimming the 4km race again for a charity I know personally and possibly the more local (sprint) triathlon. Weeehooo!

And maybe a Rubic's Cube Party again - for my 37th Birthday! Byeeee! Thanks for reading this far!


Yesterday in Parry Sound...

Last Week... the view from our drive.

Mercury Retrograde Whaaaaat?!

Ponderings...

I have had 2 days off with HG, which were lovely :) however I never get the housework/chores done (besides his work uniform cleaned). Now, my 3rd day off results in dealing with the trashed house after coming in and out, eating crap, hardly washing/tidying up etc. I'm always left with the boring shite... which I partly don't mind, especially now I'm back down to 2 jobs (I had picked up the 3rd - helping the family/parents with the mundane tasks).

One task I am contemplating is getting myself organised and studying a course to help my career prospects here in Canada. I may have mentioned it previously in my ramblings; I think I've considered it at the start of each of the last couple of years but the timings, effort in how the feck to enrole and reluctance to spend more on education have prevented further steps. Another aspect that saddens me is having to give up nannying the cherub I am helping to nourish and grow.
The other thing in my head today is friends... I miss having friends around with whom I can connect and relax around. I have friends here, but I feel like I spend more time text/messaging them and making plans that rarely work out.

We recently discussed possible transfer options, now that HG's place of work has been bought out by a different company. I feel sad on one hand, to leave this lovely town that has become our home, however I am ALWAYS up for new adventures, different places and meeting people.

I sometimes think it's sad that I make friends then move along - it's hard to build strong networks, but there's sooo much to see!

I rant a lot about zero waste; cups, bottles, straws & bags.
Maybe people get fed up with this and are less keen to spend time with me. I can't think of anyone nearby atm who feels as saddened as I do by the way we treat the planet.

Today I want to make more moisturiser (coconut oil & essential oils) and make my own deodorant - I follow an AWESOME soul on Instagram, who tries so hard everyday to lead a zero waste lifestyle.

I also want to take further steps towards applying to college.

And get to Bulk Barn - where you can take your own containers - hallelujah!!

I love my HG and there's no-one I'd rather hang out with - most of the time, but he doesn't arrange things with anyone else which puts a lot of pressure on me to be his friend, lover, wife, housemate etc etc.

I keep reading a lot about 'Mercury Retrograde'. I have made a few spiritual/wiccan friends on Instagram and it's all still very new to me. The moon and planets MUST have an effect on us though, right?

They say now is a great time to rethink re-do, revisit that which needs attention. Communication: internal and external. A time to create new patterns of thinking; rethink choices and try to fully utilise the wisdom of the past, to create an even better future.

It's so time consuming to work on oneself; how do people have time for offspring? :P

Thoughts welcome!!

Love & Light 

Coffee vs Sleep

I don't like coffee. I don't understand why 90% people seem to. Especially here in American-influenced Canada (not meaning this offensively; tis the way of tings).

Before I get started on the waste of disposable, one-use cups, I would be annoyed with myself, if I had such a dependency on something (people use a variety of drugs to get through the day) that I'd join a line of cars, queing down the road, for a drink of brown fluid... there are endless jokes and memes about not approaching people before they've had their first cup of java.

There has been a lot of talk (in my influence/discovery circle anyway), about Self-Love. One way to love oneself, which comes up repeatedly - and which I can now monitor, thanks to my FeeBee, my Fitbit (or FilBert, I'm undecided!) - is to provide yourself with the opportunity to rest, relax and sleep. Sleep can add years to your life... through our decision to refrain from having children, the only things keeping us awake are our nocturnal outdoor kitty, outdoor noises (minimal since the school has been finished & we got double glazing) and the neighbour getting nailed upstairs!

A recent discussion with HG lead to the idea that people who are maybe less than content with their current position/circumstances (life) etc. don't sleep as well. I'd add that health may lead to more/less sleep too. A catch 22: unhappiness leads to less sleep and less sleep (could potentially) lead to further unhappiness.

I understand it's easier said than done to 'get more sleep'.

Russell Brand says that meditation is what saves him from himself each day... in not so many words... I'm hearing similar things more and more... and am totally in love with yoga - I'd thunk up a blog on the topic...

Anyway I'll sign off. HG said I would offend people by questioning/dissing coffee - it's so many people's crutch.

Whatever. Maybe some people will question it. idc
Or at least work on using a reusable cup - we need companies to enable, support and encourage such behaviour!

TTFN my lovelies xXx

HG birthday meal - The Mill on Main, Huntsville

HG & Puss :)

Adventure hike 11/03/18

Blast from the Past... 2009ish?

Me a la weekend :D

Yesterday's Ice Cave - Breathtaking!!

P.S.
Mini update on last blog - I know mine never flow!

I did, gently encourage the Mum to let bubs sleep... he has been getting increasingly better at sleeping for longer etc. Last I knew he was improving, however I haven't worked for them for the past 2-3 weeks.

"Have you got everything you need?"

Random thoughts I wrote ages ago & never finished...


I have been working in the hospitality/food & beverage/restaurant industry for over two years now. Whilst this was never my initial intention, I have been grateful for the learning experiences.

For example, my memory has improved! I'm better at thinking on my feet... and speaking clearly/confidently :)




Why is it a tippable job (and therefore lower hourly pay) to serve people food, but not to pack your bags in a supermarket or help you with sizes/location in a clothing store/shop?




I try to enjoy and take away learning from all roles, circumstances and experiences, as well as from the people I meet along my journey.

Mary Poppins was the original Super Nanny

Yo Mofos.

Still blogging in my head) as I swim, wash up, make beds, chop veg etc etc etc... one day they'll be able to record thoughts maybe... scary.

HG and I are dog sitting in a huge house on the lake :D

He had a minor oral surgery this morning then I raced about while he slept off the drugs around; between dogs, cat & 2 drives to shovel, it's been busy... dinner, a lake snow shoe sesh with dawgs and cooking dinner & banana pancakes then cleaning/washing up. Finally sitting, moved money around etc etc.

ANYHOO!! (We're sitting at a huge granite bar, HG playing lime in the coconut song :D think he's feeling better!)

My 3rd job which I picked up reluctantly, having been recommended by my current employer (all health professionals), I've been doing since about October/November last year. Having mentioned paying $15-18 then offering me $15, I felt a tad insulted.

The position currently entails walking the pooch (LOvE him!!), washing up/putting away, food prep (chopping, some cooking), folding & putting away laundry, washing/drying/changing bedding.

I love the family but I get home on my 'day off' and resent my own 'chores'...

They have a baby... he was 2 months old when I started helping the family and he's not sleep trained.... or anywhere near. So he cries. Because he's exhausted. Last time I was there, his eyes were so red. But he hadn't slept properly the night before - when he usually sleeps better. I want to suggest leaving him to cry/sleep and if he wakes before an hour, leave him to fall back to sleep. The father, having worked nightshift, takes him to basement spare bedroom and they 'nap together' then picks him up again as soon as he wakes (usually 10-30mins).

I was thinking whilst folding their clothes, maybe I should offer a nanny/parenting assistant/advice type service. Super Nanny type thing... but it's their 3rd child; who am I to help people get routines and sleep sorted? And maybe I couldn't either.

My main employer began sleep training our wee munchkin when I began helping as a 'Nanny', Bubs aged 4 months (now 15 months) -a year ago next week. I followed her guidance (laaaarge house helped, as it will when other family move into their new lakehouse) and allowed Bubs to cry - recognising protest cries and responding as/when. The Mum trusts me to make judgement calls and whilst Bubs naps (or doesn't), I prepare/cook/clean/organise etc etc. Potter about :).

My 2nd job is serving at a fun, easy, laid back restaurant. :-D

When I think of the next few years, we'll be staying here while we pay things off and travel to parts of Canada from here I think... our goal is New Zealand... OR learn German and head to Europe.

Once wee munchkin starts school, the semi-plans sitting on the back burner are OPP (Ont Provincial Police) - dispatch (should I get through the tests etc.) or studying Addiction and seeking a job in that area. There is a 1 year course in this town <3

This is a long rammmmble of bollocks, I am grateful if you made it this far! :0)

Love Yeeeewz xXx