Anila Kitteon

Anila Kitteon
Sniff the Daffs

Monday 12 August 2019

Harsh Truths.

I re-joined a chat/date/meet ppl site/app.

Constant messages... I cannot keep up.



In most of the profiles I read, people often state that they either already have children or are hoping to in the future.

I wonder if these people have considered what they are reproducing.
What is so special about you?

I worry that the joys of fatherhood are over-glorified.
I'm sure in many cases (maybe 15%), individuals continue as happy as a couple once sprogs come along. Maybe I'm being pessimistic.

I am guessing these young guys on dating apps are excited about fathering - they get to definitely have sex and get to cum inside a lady - they are hoping it's their wife (of course, after they fuck a few fitties along the way...). One guy (25) asked after a couple of hour of chatting, if he could cum inside me as he doesn't like condoms... I suggested he was way ahead of the game. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ The fact that we live 2.5hrs apart is one of the many reasons this is unlikely to happen.

On a texting rant to him about how people are pandering to their kids, calling them 'princesses' and gloating about spoiling them, when actually, if you were putting the effort in, they would have a variety of healthy experiences and appropriate boundaries. Teaching them about life and preparing them for a life that, let's face it, could potentially be pretty shitty in some ways.

We've already lost 70% the number of bugs there used to be in the 80s/90s.
Who knows if we'll be able to drink water or swim in lakes in 20yrs time?

Instead, they are being taught that they are at the centre of the universe (if you reproduce, you should be trying EXTRA hard to counteract your 400% carbon footprint). I.M.O.
Overstimulated by screens and lacking the understanding of delayed gratifications.
We need to be careful that we aren't raising dangerous adults.

Anyway, it's time for me to GTFO ๐Ÿ‘

PS Life is grand, we're so lucky & loved.
Here are some snaps from the last few summer dayzzz! ✨๐ŸŒž
Oh and my Dadio got married! I've been calling her stepmum for years! :D












Wednesday 17 July 2019

Before you reproduce...

I love this country! 


There are so many things I want to talk about.
I am tempted to begin a new blog for parenting ideas, advice etc.

As a childfree person, I have - obviously - questioned re-creating. Between HG and I, we have discussed and mulled it over from all angles.
Basically, the things we most like doing don't comfortably include children.
Now as I'm sitting here, I'm thinking 'but they are only children for....' how many years?

I think we/young people don't really begin to have much of a clue - in general - what they are doing, until they reach at least 25 years of age.
That's a lot of time and energy. ๐Ÿ’Ÿ

The more people, friends and soooo many guys I speak to who have young children tell me repeatedly, how their partner's sex drive is way off course from their own. I understand mothers (often times) are tired, overworked and unappreciated - parenting is largely an endless, thankless job, let's be honest. But I think if anyone deserves/needs sexual pleasure, it's mothers. Do yourself a favour and let your husband devour you. ๐Ÿ‘…

Love this lil bean.

Tangent:

The toddler I nanny for has started giving me genuine, unprompted thank yous for doing things for her - or when she finds out I had done/given her something. It honestly makes my day and lightens my heart.



There are many children who need caring for (I feel lucky to be welcomed and included into a supported/supportive, cultured, intellectual family).

Yet people keep popping sprogs.

I don't intend to offend - I know most of my friends are doing/will do a fantastic job of bringing caring, planet-loving, respectful little people into this world.

In the back of my head I just keep hearing... "twelve harvests left..."

Things aren't happening fast enough. Everything - EVERYTHING - (ok not everything) is still being made with plastic.

Bank cards, razors, toothbrushes, most containers...

...because (never start a sentence with because) (avoid using never/always ๐Ÿ‘ง) ...

BECAUSE the people at the top are dickheads - often with psychopathic tendencies (lacking empathy - giving no shits about who gets hurt) - are in cahoots with the oil/petrol companies. Plastic is made from oil. I wonder if everyone knows that.
What I don't understand is what they think their own offspring are going to live on.


Adventuring with my man.

I also wonder what effect it will have to keep removing bits, pieces, liquids etc from the earth and it's core. Humans don't deserve this planet & it's creatures.
Then they seem surprised by earthquakes, storms etc. A'doyyyy!

In 20 to 50 years, who knows; maybe we'll all have to wear masks every time we leave the house.
Maybe we won't be able to swim in the seas, lakes, rivers, waterfalls anymore.



Anyway... breathe... another blog, another time...

Ugh.



Back to the sex drive topic - I'm not saying sex is the most important part of a relationship/marriage, but I find it can have a lot to do with intimacy, affection, belonging & connection, as much as the actual act of sex itself. I also know of women who's male partners are not interested in sex or have a low sex drive.



My initial reason for this topic was...

What are people's reasons for reproducing?

Do they think about their reasons? Feel free to drop me any ideas/answers!

GTG.

I love you xx


P.S edit - adding snaps :)

Happy place!
Chemo curls
Beautiful moth
  

Friday 22 March 2019

Puzzling Times



At the beginning of my treatment, I had an exciting thought that รณoh I could do a jigsaw puzzzzzle!', as the 'doing' or completing of a puzzle is a far distant fantasy :) We don't really have the space... though thanks to the packaging of Tom's fancy up/down desk, I used a large piece of cardboard and took over the foot rest thing (freebie from the end of someone's drive). 

So a few weeks into my treatment, my Dad's lady (my step-mum) came round and gave me flowers, a puzzle of a garden (I can still hear my Dad saying how he'd told her it would be too hard etc etc.) and probably other lovely goodies! I set it up briefly on the up/down desk prior to the computer being finished (HG bought the PC part by part over a few months and taught me how to install each piece. Fantastic experience and post-chemo activity!), using the felt roll-up 'mat' which step-Mum had also given me. However I wasn't applying the time and so I put it away in the spare room, during a tidy up.



Around the end of chemotherapy, I started the puzzle. I had 2 weeks before radiation treatment started. I actually started it twice, as the cat jumped up and flipped it onto the floor!

HG began to help, but found it too tedious.
My Mum came over from England in February for 8 days and applied many hours to the puzzle!
We had fun with our shared challenge though!







Question!!
What technique do you use when 'puzzling'?
I try (especially with this confusion of a masterpiece) to browse or work with one or two and match the pieces using their colours, shapes, individuality...
Mum seemed to like searching for one piece in all the pieces! ๐Ÿ˜‹



I probably should have written this once I'd completed it!
Thinking about gluing it into position & framing it!

Ok breaky time! 10:15!
HG is off this week and we've had a glorious couple of nights away.
It's nice to be chiiiill. Especially when work has been stressing him.
I usually pass out on the sofa but the puzzle has been keeping me occupied! I didn't sleep enough last night however. :P

TTFN

PS
My point was that puzzles require patience like cancer does... ๐Ÿ˜

Thursday 14 March 2019

Reborn - A poem

Lashes & Brows, I love you so!
I pass a mirror, you catch my eye;
I love seeing you grow!

You've reappeared, you make me smile
I can think of nothing finer
than blinking with excitement

at not needing eye liner!

I have missed you these past few weeks,

As small as you may seem.
Not having you around for a while
makes this all feel like a dream!

The armpits I can live with;
the hairs can just stay gone!
In the grand ole scheme of things,

I'm just grateful to be strong.

I watched you leave me one by one,

Said goodbye, tried not to cry,
But now we are reborn once more,
Like the phoenix, we're alive. ๐Ÿ”ฅ

Chemo Poem



8th December 2018
Chemo week 10 of 16
My hair was long & luscious;
a wavy, fuzz mess.
But since 2 months it's gone now
I've been left with much much less.

Being bald isn't so bad;
Quick showers: wash & go!
I try to run my fingers through it,
Alas I just touch bone!

This poison is to kill me
It's a funny kind of life...
We're on a journey to kill the cancer,
So I can keep being a wife.

I go from day to day
Feeding myself with goodness;
I know life will never be the same,
But it could be so much worse.

And so I'll skip & sing my way
through chemo and the lot.
Rads, hormone treatment, life goes on

I'll be giving it all I've got!




I just realised that I hadn't shared this!
Today I walked to the hospital and back (which I've been talking about doing since this journey began, 8 months ago!) and saw my favourite chemo nurses for my final port flush!

On my final day of chemo (14th Jan 2019) I wrote out a copy of this poem I'd written and I gave it to the chemo nurses. A few days later, one of the nurses called me and asked if I'd mind them publishing my poem in the hospital staff newsletter. I laughed and agreed. A few days passed and the nurse called again saying they wanted to add a photo and blurb of me in the newsletter ๐Ÿ˜† so I popped down for a picture with the bell.

I'm still trying to get my hands on the newsletter, but I met another nurse today who told me she had loved the poem and that she had shown it to her friend (another staff member), who had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and that it had helped her feel much better. ๐Ÿ’›

I have been asked to mentor for the Sunflower Warriors ๐ŸŒป support group and am applying to become a 'Big Sister' too. ๐ŸŒผ


Saturday 9 March 2019

Radiated!! Lashes & Brows


Radiotherapy... the procedure

As I walk through the hospital, accompanied by either Tom, Dad, Mum (visited for 9 days) or Step Mom, we pass through the giant revolving glass walls, into the Cancer Care Centre, pass the volunteer dressed in a blue waistcoat, down the concrete steps surrounding colour-changing baubles... pausing at the reception desk to check in and find out which waiting room (A or B) we should head to.


My chauffer/loved one would head to the waiting room and find a seat whilst I hung my outer layers up & put my snowboots/shoes in the cupboard/locker. I'd hop into a changing room, swap my vest & t-shirt for a gown, (sometimes I'd put on blue booties) and join my fam in the waiting room.

 

One by one we'd be greeted and called to one of the 3 working machines (a 4th machine yet to be added), by a Radiotherapist and led through a corridor into a room made of lead and concrete (this sounds bad but the walls were pleasant colours, a picture on the ceiling etc.).

Two radiotherapists per session, I would plant my booty on the carbon fiber table and swing my legs round, my knees resting bent on a plastic hump (designed to keep my centre still I imagine).

Removing my arms from my gown, I would lay back, lifting my arms over my head and resting my upper arms in rests, my hands holding onto handles.


 

 

  

 ๐Ÿ’œ


Pre-rads jitters

The morning of my first treatment (7th February), I searched online for the best way to treat my skin before and after receiving radiation. One site came up with '7 questions to ask your doctor before receiving radiation'. I was already fearful and on the fence about radiation; I had considered declining treatment more than once. However, many people, including my cousin who is a radiologist, reassured me that treatments are not prescribed lightly and that discussions, meetings etc. are held with doctors, nurses etc. I also heard from a university ex boyfriend, who collaborates the radiotherapy machines, who also assures me that it "works".


I did fire a few of the questions I had found at the Radiotherapist who had a pre-treatment meeting with my Dad and I, but as I lay, scared and unsure that I was doing the right thing, I was offered music and as the volume was turned up, the playlist was half way through a song that triggered all sorts of emotions for me.

Hotel California by The Eagles was one of my Dad's favourite songs.
It's also the song I crashed my car to. I had a friend sitting behind me, his surfboard resting across the passenger seat and backseat/parcel shelf; my body board & our wetsuit gear in the car somewhere. Crusing country lanes, the lady in the car in front of me appeared to drive round the corner, spot her son and his friend on their bikes on the right side of the road/layby and pulled over to the left, suddenly, without indication. I was driving my parents' SEAT Ibiza (which I believe needed new tyres) and shunted the lady further left than she'd intended; through a break in the hedge and into a field. I honestly don't remember what happened next... I assumed we exchanged details but all I remember is that Hotel California was still playing when  I got back into the driver's seat.

Change of focus

Anyway!! As I lay on the table in the empty room feeling cold, alone and very Hand Maid's Tale-ish, for the longest 3-4mins (all in my head; the therapists were all lovely), I fought back tears. Some of which escaped and tricked down my cheeks into my ears. Unable to move, I urged myself to lay still.

HG later reminded me that I would usually embrace this as an interesting experience and be fascinated by the treatments that science is allowing us to receive.
How Lucky I Am.

So from session #2 onwards; following an honest FB post and more overwhelming support, I approached radiation with a calm, focused, appreciative mind.

Sometimes I sang, sometimes I closed my eyes & breathed/dozed.
I often watched the machine/s doing their thang.

The process continued

The therapists would call out numbers (listed on 3 computer screens around the room) to each other and line the table up with the machine according to a laser/light ruler. The ruler between my boobs had to line up with my dot tattoo (of which I have 5) at 94.1 - other lasers shone from sides of the room (my neck is settled in a rest and I can only really look up) to line up with the tattoos on my sides.

Once they had gently moved me into position, sliding my torso with a sheet beneath me, whilst reminding me not to move/help them, they let me know they were leaving the room and headed back through the short corridor to a room (behind 2 walls for protection from any escaped radiation) with computers. From there, they move an arm out from the huge machine behind me and the flat metallic disk extends from behind me and makes an electronic prolonged buzz noise as my chest was x-rayed.

Next, the round head of the machine moved around and underneath me, lead needle fingers moving to change the shape of the radiation exposure behind the glass. The machine zapped me through my back (from/on an angle, not direct through my chest) and from various positions around me, then returned to the central position above me. The radiotherapists would return to the room and lower me down on the table, using a connected remote control. The final four treatments (of 20) were 'boosters' aimed from 2 angles at my tumor site.

I am told the next 2-4 weeks could be increasingly painful, as the site continues to burn from inside and fatigue may also increase. I'm planning to return to my nanny job in 3 weeks time.

In 2 weeks I begin taking daily hormone treatment pills, Tamoxifen and on 9th April I will be having my port removed.

My hair is as fuzzy and soft as a gosling; my eye lashes are returning, much to my excitement (I was down to 5 ๐Ÿ˜œ) and this morning I noticed my eye brows are starting to grow too.

I'm so excited, it feels like a fresh start!!


 

 

   

 






It's All About Timing

I just read my last post (Motivation: Life After B.C) and wanted to note that today I spoke to the mayor, who was behind me in the queue/line to pay for my panini today. I have met him a few times before - at an event at the fine dining restaurant I served at, and he also shook my hand, handed me a medal and had a photo taken with me after a charity 4km swim across Lake Couchiching in August 2017. Sun City Swim

I was actually signed up for, sponsored and very ready, training-wise, to swim the same charity swim in 2018, but I ended up having a lumpectomy (plus 3 lymph nodes), 2 days before the swim. Hmph. ๐Ÿ˜–๐Ÿ˜†

Anyway, I spoke to the mayor - Steve Clarke, briefly, about my hopes to offer the town parenting support, and asked him where he would suggest I begin in addressing organisations. He advised that behind me was the lady who worked for victim support (however in my panini-purchasing distraction, I didn't end up speaking to her). Mr Clarke went on to say that if I called his office next week, they would give me a list of contacts. I mentioned the Child Advocacy Centre (whom I have volunteered for in the past and for whom the Sun City Swim raises money) and Big Brothers, Big Sisters - whom I have recently decided to become a mentor through... I dashed away and opened another sneaky page and just completed the volunteer application page! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

I spoke briefly to the Mayor about my hair regrowth, following chemotherapy, and my journey. Another lady sitting nearby (it's a very cosy cafe ๐Ÿ˜‹) mentioned my hair too and both she and the mayor touched it (this may sound strange, but I mentioned how it was ridiculously soft and how I was making everyone touch it). I likes to share the love! ๐ŸŒˆ They both mentioned my attitude.

I have had lotsssss of peoles telling me what an inspiration I am etc etc.

It's such a funny feeling to be told that. Yet it's kind of something I've always wanted to be... so it's pretty cool that I can be it, just by being me. I just don't feel mad about cancer. But I have been lucky. However, I don't mind dying (obviously doing what I can to prevent it happening any time soon), I would just feel bad for those affected by it.

I know I'm rambling. It's also funny to me, that I keep sitting down to write about my radiotherapy experience and I'm now two blogs down, finished 20 treatments yesterday (International Women's Day woohoo!) and haven't described it yet.

I'm excited and want to really kick myself up the arse this year to actually grab life by the bollocks.

Kthxbai xXx


Saturday 2 March 2019

Motivation - Life After B.C

It's been a (hectic) few weeks. 

I've been listening to the audio book of You Are A Badass - How to stop doubting your greatness and start living an awesome life. I have missed it during the past few weeks so absorbed another dosage just now. I've also purchased Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert (and had The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle sent to a friend, recommended by another friend).

I am feeling drawn towards searching for and embracing my creativity... why am I here?
What am I destined to achieve? Leap out of my comfort zone and into the unknown... I just have to get my arse in gear. Take Action!

A friend (breast cancer survivor & mentor) recently heard me talking about the work I did in England in supporting parents and families. She told me that this was where my passion lies and that I'm starving the world of my useful skills (or words to that effect), if I don't put my energy into supporting others.

After the conversation, I felt driven. I came home and wrote a list!
I start to feel helpless, lost and overwhelmed but then I remember that I can do this.
I just need to take some steps.

So.
I'm intending to make contact with all the people I know locally - teachers, support workers, YMCA, Child Advocacy Centre, family centre, libraries, the police, Women's Shelter, Children's Aid, New Path, Family Connexions.

I don't actually have contacts at all of those places, but I know of more than I thought I knew!

This post was going to lead into talking about my radiotherapy experience, but I have just joined a couple of breast cancer support groups on FB and I'm more excited about my future at this point!

Here's to holding myself accountable! ๐Ÿ‘Š

Wednesday 2 January 2019

Happy New Hair?

Wow time has passed.
My penultimate chemo (number seven) was 2 days ago - New Year's Eve/


HG woke me from my sofa slumber at 11:15pm to make sure I didn't miss the welcoming of 2019! ๐ŸŽ‰

Overall, I've been very lucky during chemotherapy and haven't suffered too much. At the change of drug (treatments five to eight), I felt anxious. Not knowing how the effects of the Taxol would affect me was like being back at the beginning of chemo. I was worried that the 10 steriod pills (5 at 6pm & 5 at 10pm) the night before chemo would keep me up all night. I slept okay and the only major effects I experienced were swollen, sore hands for a couple of days - possibly from the overlap in chemo drugs, because I thankfully haven't had it happen again. Other side effects include neuropathy (tingly hands/feet), which I've been affected by minimally.
I have started having hot flushes at night though.Interesting & strange... I haven't had a period since the first few weeks of chemo and we've hardly had sex (whaaaah!).

I have been taking Grastofil, which is a brand name for Filagrastim. "Filgrastim belongs to the family of medications known as granulocyte colony stimulating factors (G-CSF). It helps the bone marrow produce white blood cells, which help the body fight infection." (Thanks, Google). So I initially injected my stomach (alternating sides) 11 times, starting 48hrs after my last chemo had ended. They live in the fridge so going out for a day/afternoon takes pre-planning! There is also an injection which can be taken once per chemo round, however this seems to be for those with "better" insurance than us, but also seems to cause more intense side effects - bone pain. 

My white blood cell count (WBC) was initially very high; beginning at 13.6 (4-11 is normal), after the second blood test showed my WBCs had reached 28.4, my oncologist reduced me to 8 jabs. I've mostly been taking 8 and this seemed ok for the first chemo treatments, but my levels rocketed (changed to 6 jabs) then have crashed down to 3.3 so I've been put back up to 8 jabs.

Neutrophils are the infection-fighting white blood cells, and a friend had mentioned keeping an eye on mine.
Last  Friday, mine were 1.3 - with the minimum they usually like being 1.5. I'm a really bad germophobe, but have been attempting to stay away from crowds, watching out for coughs & colds etc.

I spend a lot of my time at home these days; looking after myself! I've had lots of visitors, packages and messages of love.

I cannot believe there is only more more chemo treatment to go! I've become quite happy in my chemo hibernation cave!

Following the final treatment - number eight - I will have my usual 2 weeks 'recovery', jabs etc. then a couple more weeks until radiation treatment ('therapy') begins. This will be closer to my Dad's, so the plan is that I'll stay with him & my stepmum a few nights a week (this could help keep me healthier & munching less but we'll see!).

My stepmum is on the keto diet and my Dad is a pescatarian. A friend has mentioned the Blood Type Diet recently (anyone have any info?) and I'm also being nudged towards a naturopath (Tom is very anti), who will most likely want to sell me more appointments, expensive blood tests and numerous supplements. I recently asked a fellow breast cancer survivor friend, who said she was now a 'nutritarian'. I think mostly plant-based suits me/my body - as much as HG raves about animal protein being the best/quickest. I'm avoiding red meat as much as possible and chicken (I had unofficially given up turkey) unless it's hormone free/organic. I'm still eating fish here and there.

I think this is long enough! I'll add some pics! ๐Ÿ˜ƒ



I've been editing my eyebrows to help emphasise them!


We are very lucky and received some cool gifts & vouchers for Crimbo!


Day before chemo #7
Bass lake Provincial Park




Testing hats in the Oncology waiting room!


Testing all the vital signs... 31/12/18



Crussssshing it!


New Years Day 2019 - Laughlin Falls



Bass Lake 1st Jan 2019



Playful Puss!


Kitty love this morning! 2nd Jan

HAPPY NEW YEAR!